Parenting...the true test of boundaries!
Parenting thus far has proven to be the hardest job I have ever had the privilege of participating in. It is a job that requires no prior experience and comes with no instructions on how to approach the unique challenges of each child’s personalities and learning styles.
I would love to think that parenting would be blissful like the Brady Bunch, but I must admit that I often use words such as frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted to describe my parenting journey. I know I am not alone in this as I often hear these same words mentioned in conversations as well as on social media.
I’ve taken time to reflect on my journey into becoming a parent, which started with 3 years of infertility and thousands of dollars that we poured into having our children. When I think about all of the time, money and energy that we put into starting a family, I honestly don’t want frustration, overwhelm and exhaustion to be the words that I use to describe my role as a parent. Don’t get me wrong, I am realistic and recognize that there will be trying times, but I want to choose to feel confident in my parenting style and believe that all of the challenges are opportunities for us to learn and grow.
So I decided to implement some self coaching in this area of my life and see how I can take accountability for what I have created thus far and purposefully create what I want for the future.
The current circumstance: Our children are twins, but they are polar opposite in personality and our conflict or challenge is often with our son. He has a bold personality and loves to push the limits. He and I butt heads a lot because we are both seeking control in situations (how fun it is to see your qualities in your children).
As uncomfortable as it is to admit, his current choice of disobedience is to lie…..often.
He chooses to lie about really insignificant things as well as really significant things.
He lies so often that I think he doesn’t differentiate between the truth and a lie.
It’s a quality that I am least proud of and have tried for years to help him see the importance of telling the truth. But those efforts haven’t worked yet and so I’ve decided to shift the focus. You see, through my work on the topic of boundaries, I have realized that I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions….I am only responsible for my own and in an effort to teach him about some personal accountability, I began reflecting on what was my responsibility and what was his.
Using the coaching model, I start with a download of all of my thoughts about the circumstance (My son lying):
Lying is bad.
It’s my fault that he continues to lie.
He’s going to grow up to be a liar.
I don’t know how to help him.
People probably think I’m a horrible parent.
Why does he lie to me more than his father.
I wish he would stop.
Why isn’t anything working.
Something is wrong with him.
When I stop and reflect on these thoughts, I realize I have been in a tug-of-war. I am struggling on one side to control his actions, which is not my responsibility, and on the other side I’m trying to control my actions.
So I have decided to drop the rope, to disengage from this tug-of-war. Don’t get me wrong, I am not walking away from my role as a parent…I’m actually stepping fully into it!
I am choosing to only control myself, my actions, my consistent parenting. I am allowing him the space to make a choice to tell the truth or to tell a lie. That sounds uncomfortable just to stay, like it’s almost like I’m giving him permission. And I am. I am giving him permission to act like a 12-year-old boy and I am giving myself permission to act like a 40 year old adult. I am setting a very clear boundaries with him. The boundary is “if you lie then you will have a consequence”.
Through my work to further understand how and when to set a boundary, I have come to realize, It is not up to me to change his actions, it is up to me to be consistent with my reactions (consequences). I have been unclear about this for a while and my lack of clarity has skewed my decision making as a parent. I have allowed myself to give him grace when he makes mistakes and he has decided to take advantage of that generosity.
After I clarified this through this self coaching work, I can see my confidence increase and my body relax. I can literally feel the stress melt out of my body and a feeling of peace set in. It feels incredible!!!
I do want to add, I’m also going to throw in a ton of prayer because I believe If anybody can change the will of my strong willed 12-year-old boy it will be Jesus Christ himself. I am choosing to believe that my son will grow up to be a truth speaking man of integrity. I am choosing to believe my son will grow up to respect his colleagues and his family. I am choosing to believe that he will WANT to speak the truth as a representation of his love and respect for Jesus.
When I believe those things, my heart feels happy and inspired to be consistent. When I think these things I want to show up for my son and show him what integrity looks like. I want to show him what grace looks like. I want to show him what forgiveness looks like.
I now find myself curious to see what the future looks like with him and that feels exciting. If you are finding yourself in a similar situation and would like some guidance or support, please feel free to message me! I offer a free consult call where I hear your current challenges and offer guidance and support. I would also invite you to join me in my eMpowered group on Facebook where I share inspiration throughout the week.
I hope to connect with you soon!
Kristie
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